On one hand, you don’t want to hurt the other person, but on the other hand, you can’t stay in a relationship with someone because of that. Doing so will only make things worse between the two of you, so you have to remember that there is an actual reason why you want to call it quits and why you don’t believe you two belong together anymore. When you finally get the courage to talk with your partner, the most important thing is that you do it with kindness and grace and avoid blaming them for your problems or starting an unnecessary argument. After all, this is someone you love and care about, so that needs to come across. Below is a step-by-step guide you can follow to help you break up with someone in a kind way. While the list won’t make parting ways hurt any less for either of you, it will help you do it in a way that comes across less harsh and hopefully brings closure.
How to Break Up With Someone, Step-By-Step
Step 1: Think through why you want to break up
“Before you break up, the first step is to get clear about how you feel,” says Monica Berg, author ofRethink Love and co-host of the Spiritually Hungry Podcast. Why? Doing so helps you sort out your feeling about the relationship you’re in and validate your reasons for splitting up. That way you can stay firm in your decision and not send mixed signals by having a change of heart during the middle of your discussion.
Step 2: Pick the appropriate setting
When you’re positive that breaking up is the right thing to do, the next step is to consider where you should break up with someone. Monica suggests doing it in person where you can be face-to-face in a private location, like at one of your apartments. “Private conversations should always be private, rather than in a public space where the person may feel embarrassed, ashamed, uncomfortable, or vulnerable,” she explains. “It’s respectful and kind to choose a space where you know the person is comfortable, as long as you are as well.”
Step 3: Choose a time
You may not think you need to put much thought into choosing a time or date to break up with someone, but Monica says that’s something you should definitely consider. “It’s best to choose a time when they aren’t likely to have subsequent engagements and can give you their full attention,” she shares. That way, you don’t break the news to them before they are heading to an event, prepping for a big presentation at work or tell them on an important day, like your anniversary or their birthday.
Step 4: Go over your break up conversation in your head beforehand
Expressing your feelings in the moment of a breakup can be tough, which is why preparing a speech and practicing it a few times beforehand is never a bad idea. “Approach the conversation with vulnerability and honesty,” Monica proposes. “Express yourself in the way you would want a message like this delivered—and above all, be kind.”
Step 5: Consider centering the conclusion of breaking up on yourself—not them
One of the kindest ways to initiate a breakup is to not blame it on them, but to blame it on yourself instead, or to mention that you think you’re better suited as friends. “Start off by saying something like, ‘This is really hard for me, I care about you, and it’s not easy for me to communicate my feelings right now, but I’m going to do the best I can, please bear with me….” Monica says. Then, when you explain to them why you don’t think you’re the best match, do it in a way that is truthful, but not harsh. For example, she says don’t mention that you are no longer attracted to them. “Bringing up something about someone’s physical appearance is not something they have the power to change, so telling someone they lack that may have a profound and negative impact on their self-esteem,” Monica states. Alyssa Dineen, author of The Art of Online Dating, agrees and adds that breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you have to put them down in the process. Instead, she suggests saying something like, “I’ve really enjoyed my time with you over the last few weeks/months. Lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe we’re better suited as friends. I don’t want to mislead you in any way so I wanted to be honest with you now.”
Step 6: Be empathetic and let them talk
Remember that while you’ve had time to process your emotions and think the breakup through, your soon-to-be-ex is hearing this for the first time and so they will have a lot of feelings going on at once: confusion, heartache and anger being a few. “You can’t control how the other person will feel or how they may react,” Monica explains. “You can only do your best to communicate clearly and with empathy.” So be prepared to answer questions and hear them out. “You have to gauge the personality of the person,” Alyssa explains. “Some people might appreciate or need a longer conversation that has a lot of closure, while some might feel defensive and just want it to be over with.”
Step 7: Try to end on a positive note
Before you part ways, try to end things in a positive manner. Give them a hug before leaving or if you want to attempt having a friendship, bring it up to them. “If you feel you can honestly be friends with the person without complicating feelings, then absolutely attempt to stay friends,” Alyssa recommends. The best way to do that is by casually mentioning it. “You can certainly say something like, ‘You are such an amazing person and I always want your friendship if you’re open to it,’ Monica smiles. Doing so will help ease some of the pain because they won’t feel like they are losing you in their life completely.
Step 8: Don’t second-guess yourself afterward
Even if you’re the one doing the breaking up, remember that splitting up with someone can be emotionally draining, but that doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing. “You want to check in with yourself and be honest about where you’re at because it will be uncomfortable and emotional, which are reasons people try to avoid it,” Monica says. Just remember that you ended the relationship for a reason. Doing that will help keep you from second-guessing your decision. Check out…How Long Does It Take to Get Over a BreakupHow to Get Over Someone After a Breakup
