The 2006 movie (which also stars John C. Reilly, Jane Lynch, Amy Adams, Michael Clarke Duncan, Gary Cole and Sacha Baron Cohen) is chock full of hysterical one-liners that are sure to make you laugh. So buckle up, because here are 90 funny quotes from Talladega Nights…
Talladega Nights quotes from Young Ricky Bobby
- “I wanna go fast. I wanna go fast.”
- “I’m going fast.”
- “No ma’am. I haven’t seen my daddy in years. But my mama says he’s out racing cars and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Reese Bobby
- Reese: “You got big. How long’s it been? Three, four months?” Ricky: “Ten years.” Reese: “Ten years? Man, I’ve gotta lay off the peyote.”
- “It’s the fastest who gets paid and it’s the fastest who gets laid.”
- “Always remember, if you ain’t first, you’re last.”
- “See you when you’re grown up."
- “You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.”
- “You don’t drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.”
- “Now, there’s nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Ricky Bobby
- “I wanna go fast!”
- “I felt like I was on a spaceship.”
- “I’m not sure what to do with my hands.”
- “Please be 18.”
- “Absolutely ma’am. I’d love to sign your baby. You’re not gonna want to wash that forehead.”
- “Susan, you got to watch it when I get into autograph mode.”
- “I’m Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then f*** you."
- “When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff, you should have the right tools too. So, that’s why you should use Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR.”
- “I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I mean I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence.”
- “I’m just a big hairy American winning machine. If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
- “Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell.”
- “I like the Christmas Jesus best and I’m saying grace. When you say grace you can say it to grown-up Jesus, or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus or whoever you want.”
- “Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet…”
- “It’s real nice. I got it at Target. It’s on sale.”
- “It’s in the Geneva Convention!”
- “Break it, Pepé Le Pew.”
- “That idea ain’t worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.”
- “Let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders. He said, ‘I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’”
- “This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.”
- “Yep, I’m flying through the air. This is not good.”
- “I’m on fire!”
- “Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! AH! Help me, Tom Cruise!”
- “Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!”
- “Help me, Oprah Winfrey!”
- Ricky Bobby: “I hope that both of you have sons. Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.”
- “You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that. I mean that’s just life.”
- “Am I on fire?”
- “The ninjas are trying to get me.”
- “I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something.”
- “Hey, I don’t know why I am talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?”
- “Down, Karen! Get down! Get down, Karen!”
- “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your little ghost manger just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos learning about shapes and colors…”
- “Everyone turn away. Things are gonna get crazy. We’re gonna make animal noises.”
- “Time to let the cougar loose.”
- “Well, what do you say we get thrown out of an Applebee’s?”
Talladega Nights quotes from Carley Bobby
- “Hey driver! Drive these.”
- “Super’s ready! Come on, y’all! I’ve been slaving over this for hours.”
- “Jesus did grow up.”
- “Golly, this is a hard decision, but I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.”
- “Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Cal Naughton Jr.
- “Shake and bake!”
- “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says like, ‘I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party too.”
- “I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
- “You nailed that like a split hog.”
- “I’ll hold your hair.”
- “I’ll just bury it down inside.”
- “It’s painful, and I love you!”
- “Please don’t let the invisible fire burn my friend!”
- “When you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?”
- “Sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers. It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?”
- “What’s implication mean?”
- “Because I like to party.”
- “I’m the Magic Man now.”
- “Abracadabra, homes”
- “My head’s all tied up like a pretzel. I got a pretzel in my head.”
- “Shake it before you bake it!”
Talladega Nights quotes from Lucy Bobby
- “I don’t care, I’m having a baby!”
- “Now I am declaring Granny Law and if you do not obey Granny Law, I will paint your back porch red.”
- “How many more times you going to toss me the radio in the bathtub?”
- “Oh, gooder than grits.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Susan
- “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have been standing.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Texas Ranger (T.R.)
- “Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey.”
- “I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew.”
- “Grandfather, can’t we resolve this conflict without anger?”
Talladega Nights quotes from Jean Girard
- “Why did you stop the jazz music? Was it not pleasant for you?”
- “I think what you are hearing is my accent.”
- “I will let you go, Ricky, but first I want you to say, ‘I love crepes.’”
- “Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.”
- “You have spilled my macchiato.”
- “Hakuna matata, b****es.”
- “My husband Gregory and I wish for only that which every couple wish for, to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use.”
- “God needs the devil. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?”
- “Now we shall dance, and yes, it will be a slow jam.”
- “And now the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker.”
- “By defeating me today, you have set me free.”
- “Sir, you taste of America.”
Talladega Nights quotes from Glenn
- “It’s not always bad to be in last place. Here’s some things we can focus on. 1. We tried hard and 2. We’re still dear friends.”
- “Sorry Lucius, but it’s a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.”
Talladega Nights quote from Lucius Washington
- “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don’t you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!”
- “We’ll use this knife to pry it out!” (trying to remove a knife in Ricky’s leg) Next, looking for a lifetime of laughs? We’ve got you covered with the 120 best comedies of all time!
